it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
