STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
