Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
