i may or may not be watching the land before time
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I supernannyed him into submission
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
