i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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