i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
