whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I will pee on everything he values.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
