hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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