you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize