Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
