Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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