I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize