I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he fucked my hip out of place.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
