she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
That accounts for only three of the penises
me + whiskey = a bad person
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
