When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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