That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize