Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
