dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
