I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
