whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
