Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
