Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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