Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
