I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
did i walk over a car last night?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
