I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
