I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
