just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
