Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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