I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
