I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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