when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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