Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
