I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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