does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
