Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
two words: eviction party
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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