PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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