A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
