I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
