Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
