Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
