I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
