I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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