you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
