She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
