how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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