the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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