NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
