I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
