R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
