My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
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