It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
