I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
