she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
