The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
