Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
