dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
