Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
