You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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