feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
