I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
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