i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
