I wish I could punch you in the face.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Randomize
