I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
