I faked an abortion last night.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
